Unfiltered talk about relationships, baby germs, the Presidency and the NFL playoffs
When it finally hits you
When I was single and way before I had my kid, I never hesitated to poke fun at a friend when they acted like a total parent. Whether it was them pulling out a baby wipe to clean up a spill while standing at the bar, or turning every conversation into a recap of their kid’s life. It always left the door open for some form of harassment. But, oh how the tables have turned. I now find myself doing the very “parenty” things that I used to mock others for doing (SMH). In the early stages of being a parent, you try to convince yourself that you’ll still preserve your independence and remain the same person you have always been. Until, you’re not, and you have totally embraced the thing known as parenthood.
I’ll never forget that day. I was still, in my head at least, playing the role of the man. The head of household, provider and protector. Sure I was doing my part helping out with feedings and diaper changes. But, up until this point I never really felt like a dad or a parent. I was still myself. I had my usual routine, just added a little extra responsibility to take care of the baby. It wasn’t until one day, as I was loading a moving truck getting ready to move my family onto better opportunities, that I realized I entered full on parent mode. I was in the middle of struggling to get all our boxes and furniture into the truck. It was one obstacle after the other, one headache after another. Right as I approached a point of exhaustion, I stopped and asked myself, “boy I could really use a mouse ka tool right about now.”
Now I find myself revolving my day around Frozen and experiencing all the other cliché parenting moments. Which by the way for any new parent reading this, you have to find that go to movie. Every parent has to have a go to movie that they can put on to occupy their monster for at least twenty-minutes. Twenty-minutes should be all that you need to wash bottles, clean up, change the laundry, and pull something out for dinner. Anyway, yes I too am in full parenting mode and find myself adding on five extra minutes while I take a shit just for some me time. And if I’m not singing the ABC’s or some other kids song that I’ve heard 900 times, you can find me yelling at YouTube for having to play a fucking ad every time I need the dam hot dog song on so I can enjoy five minutes of peace and quiet!
Ahh yes, the joys of parenting.
The unfiltered discussion about discipline, transgender bathrooms, UFC and the NFL playoffs.
These are some of the moments they don’t tell you about
This has been a whirlwind of a year for me. I have had my share of change and new experiences that I will never forget. The first year of your child’s life is full of surprises and exciting milestones. Ahh, who am I kidding, its full of stress, anxiety and shitty diapers. This is my list of top ten experiences in the first year as an first time parent.
These first 5 are what I’d consider the normal first year milestones.
1.The Roll Over- How exciting it is to watch your kid rollover for the very first time. It’s like you both accomplished something together. Mostly because you’ve watch them struggle for the longest time. Watching in anguish until they finally get that last bit of strength to completely get over that hump. No more turning your back on them now.
2.2,3,4 and 5- There all the same really. They sit up, they crawl and they start to walk. And the days of just watching them eat sleep and shit are gone. Oh how I wish for those day to return. Also, no one really cares how your kid is on track with every other kid at the same age. Just enjoy it, privately.
6.The first outing- This one is fun because you really start to see what kind of parent you’re going to be. If you’re like me, you’re the over protective parent that packs up three different bags of hand sanitizer and first aid supplies just to take a trip to a drive-thru. Don’t worry, the paranoia goes away. Now I just laugh when I catch my daughter licking the dog.
7.The First Blowout- The wettest, juiciest little rumble exploding from your kid’s backside. You pick them up to find a shitty wet spot half way up their back. There’s no other option but to head straight for the shower. Toss their clothes, your clothes in the trash and just start over.
8.The First Public Blowout- Oh the hits just keep on coming. There’s nothing you can do when this happens, except roll up your sleeves and get in there. It’s easy at home with a readily available shower. But now you’re out and no longer have home field advantage. The shit is everywhere. All over them, all over the car seat and you just got your food. Hope you pack that extra pair of clothes.
9.The First ER Trip- Maybe not an actual ER trip, but you’ll most definitely be at a point where the ER, 911 or running outside screaming for help has crossed your mind. I don’t know what it is about these little guys that creates such a panic in your mind that you freak out over the very thought of anything endangering their wellbeing. We seriously took a trip to the ER because my wife didn’t like the motion our baby’s head made, in what my wife would describe as a “weird” movement. Yes, a trip to the ER because of a weird movement.
10.The Power Grab- There will come a time when these little adorable human beings, will let you know just how in control of your life they really are. They will scream, cry bloody murder for as long as it takes for you to realize you no longer have control over your own life. And at any moment at any given day they can completely put you on their schedule. Want to watch a little of that game, no way. Want to pay some bills, I think not. Want just 2 hours of sleep, think again. Face it, it’s their world now and you’re just here to whipe their ass.