This has been a whirlwind of a year for me. I have had my share of change and new experiences that I will never forget. The first year of your child’s life is full of surprises and exciting milestones. Ahh, who am I kidding, its full of stress, anxiety and shitty diapers. This is my list of top ten experiences in the first year as an first time parent.
These first 5 are what I’d consider the normal first year milestones.
1.The Roll Over- How exciting it is to watch your kid rollover for the very first time. It’s like you both accomplished something together. Mostly because you’ve watch them struggle for the longest time. Watching in anguish until they finally get that last bit of strength to completely get over that hump. No more turning your back on them now.
2.2,3,4 and 5- There all the same really. They sit up, they crawl and they start to walk. And the days of just watching them eat sleep and shit are gone. Oh how I wish for those day to return. Also, no one really cares how your kid is on track with every other kid at the same age. Just enjoy it, privately.
6.The first outing- This one is fun because you really start to see what kind of parent you’re going to be. If you’re like me, you’re the over protective parent that packs up three different bags of hand sanitizer and first aid supplies just to take a trip to a drive-thru. Don’t worry, the paranoia goes away. Now I just laugh when I catch my daughter licking the dog.
7.The First Blowout- The wettest, juiciest little rumble exploding from your kid’s backside. You pick them up to find a shitty wet spot half way up their back. There’s no other option but to head straight for the shower. Toss their clothes, your clothes in the trash and just start over.
8.The First Public Blowout- Oh the hits just keep on coming. There’s nothing you can do when this happens, except roll up your sleeves and get in there. It’s easy at home with a readily available shower. But now you’re out and no longer have home field advantage. The shit is everywhere. All over them, all over the car seat and you just got your food. Hope you pack that extra pair of clothes.
9.The First ER Trip- Maybe not an actual ER trip, but you’ll most definitely be at a point where the ER, 911 or running outside screaming for help has crossed your mind. I don’t know what it is about these little guys that creates such a panic in your mind that you freak out over the very thought of anything endangering their wellbeing. We seriously took a trip to the ER because my wife didn’t like the motion our baby’s head made, in what my wife would describe as a “weird” movement. Yes, a trip to the ER because of a weird movement.
10.The Power Grab- There will come a time when these little adorable human beings, will let you know just how in control of your life they really are. They will scream, cry bloody murder for as long as it takes for you to realize you no longer have control over your own life. And at any moment at any given day they can completely put you on their schedule. Want to watch a little of that game, no way. Want to pay some bills, I think not. Want just 2 hours of sleep, think again. Face it, it’s their world now and you’re just here to whipe their ass.